On this date ten years ago – May 10, 2008 – I became a college graduate. It was Mother’s Day weekend, and Chuck Norris was our commencement speaker. (Yes, THE Chuck Norris. I’m still scratching my head about that one…) Family and friends had traveled from a few states away to be part of the occasion, and my closest friends delayed their own trips home to stay and celebrate with me. Although the day was a bit of a blur, I remember one thing: I knew that I was loved. It meant the world to me that these people who had poured so much into my life were there with me and for me.

It was a joyful day, for sure – four years of hard work, late nights, and stressful days had come to an end. But it was also bittersweet. I was saying goodbye to some of the best friends I’d ever had. Thankfully, Facebook and smartphones have allowed us to keep in touch, but being with them on a daily basis was suddenly a thing of the past. I was also going to miss the school and all it represented. I felt like my spiritual health was the best it had ever been, and I was going to deeply miss campus church, prayer groups, and the opportunity to hear world-class pastors and speakers on a weekly basis.

When I think back on that season of my life, the first word that comes to mind is grateful. I’m grateful for a school that was Christian not in name only, but through-and-through. I’m grateful for professors who were passionate about their subjects, their students, and their Lord. I’m grateful for the love and support of my family – on both good days and bad. And I’m grateful for the lifelong friendships that started there. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Most of all, I’m grateful for the many ways God sustained me and worked in my life during those years.

Now here I am, a decade later. As I look back, I feel like I don’t really have much to show for the years that have passed. In many areas of my life, my growth has been minimal, even stagnate – including my spiritual life. This has been a point of great concern for awhile now, and my frustration with being “stuck” has only grown.

As I was reflecting on all of this a few days ago, I had a bit of a “lightbulb moment” – and I thank the Lord for it. Is it possible that I’ve focused so much attention on looking back, that I’ve missed what was ahead? In short, I believe the answer to that question is yes. In some ways, my longing for those days has held me back from moving forward with my life. Subconsciously, I was idolizing that place and those experiences, and I had resigned myself to the idea that my best days were behind me. Honestly, I’ve just been going through the motions – not taking risks, not making time for things I’m passionate about, not loving others well, and worst of all, not pursuing my relationship with God with all that I am.

This might be a bit dramatic, but it reminds me of the Israelites when they were wandering in the wilderness. They started to complain about, well, just about everything. At one point, they lamented the fact that Moses had led them out of Egypt, and were longing for the food that was available there. Now, let’s think about this – they were SLAVES in Egypt, for crying out loud. They were essentially saying they’d rather have the familiarity of Egypt, even if it meant being enslaved, over the path of freedom that a good and perfect God had set them on. I’ve often read these passages about the Israelites and thought, “how could they be so stupid?” But now more than ever I see myself in them, and it’s a hard pill to swallow.

When I started writing this post, I wasn’t sure how I was going to wrap it up in the end. I don’t have some profound life lesson to share with you, because I’m still learning it myself. My “lightbulb moment” was great first step, but I have a long way to go. I am thankful for the Lord’s mercy and grace in my life, and thankful that He has never given up on me, even when I’d given up on myself.

“…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus.”
-Philippians 3:13-14, HCSB